Can I Be Honest?

I've been thinking about adoption a lot lately.  And I'm completely terrified.  Bryan and I have felt called to adopt since before we had Jackson and Charley. Before kids it just seemed so easy.  We'd have one or two biological kids and then adopt.  I was going to be a patient and kind mother who was full of learning activities, had well behaved children, and never lost her temper.

Well, my reality is much different.  Parenting my babies is hard. I have no idea what I'm doing so I lose my patience and freak out. What if I mess them up?  What if I let this behavior go and they turn into uncontrollable teens? What if I try really hard and they end up struggling anyway?  

I'm an honest complainer.  I do it because it makes me feel better to put everything out there but also because I'm desperately hoping someone responds that they feel the same way.  That we're in the same boat that often feels like less of the cruise ship I expected parenthood to be and more of the Titanic that it feels like on the hard days.  I'm scared people will wonder why we would seek out another child if parenting the two we already have is enough to make me crazy.  As much as don't like this to be true, I really do care what others think of me. I am a pleaser.  I want to do a good job.

I'm  reading more and more of other journeys and it looks so, so hard.  But then I'll see a story about a wonderful adoption story.  I have so many questions for myself. I have two fairly healthy kids.  We aren't adopting just to have another kid. I can do that on my own. We want to adopt to provide that home for a child who needs it.  But maybe I'm not the best person for the job.  There are definitely moms who are more patient and caring and loving.  There are couples who want so badly to adopt. Maybe we should just get out of the way for them. They want it so badly. But so do I.  I'm just terrified.

I truly believe that God has a plan for us. Sometimes I think all of my fears are signs to just let the idea go.  But then other times I have an overwhelming feeling that our family isn't complete. That there is a child out there who will call me Mommy.  We sing a song at church that always moves me.

You make me brave.

You make me brave. 

You call me out from the shore into the waves.

I know that if this is His plan I will be given the grace and patience to be in charge of another human.

I went back to teaching when I did to give me time to gain tenure so I could take a year off for an adoption.  That's still two years away.  Next year is our learning year. We plan to go to classes to learn about the options and hopefully get more clarity on this whole thing. The following year is the application and paperwork year. Then the adoption year.

I think.

Again, it feels better to get it all out there. You can pray for clarity along with us.